Well, I'm not off to a great start keeping this updated, am I?
Since I last wrote, I've been swamped at work ... not necessarily with business, but busyness. That's okay, though. The busyness will lead to better business in the long run.
A few days after my last entry, I had the privilege of speaking at FBC Gainesville Wednesday Night Youth service. I spoke on the "Faith Hall of Fame" that is found in Hebrews 11. I shared with the kids the FULL definition of faith: not just a belief, but a conviction, an obedience, a devotion. Are we living out our faith in a way that is worthy of induction into the "Faith Hall of Fame"?
Hebrews 11 is my favorite Bible passage. I have Dennis Rawls to thank for that. He was my high school principal and Bible teacher. My senior year we had to memorize the entire chapter. I fell in love with the passage then and with the idea of Faith put into action.
I tell you all this to confess that sometimes I wonder about my faith. No, not like that. This is not yet another in the ever-growing trend of Christian publicly acknowledging, even lamenting their tremendous level of doubt in their faith. (If that topic appeals to you, let me recommend Jason Boyett's blog . Jason is the author of O Me of Little Faith and from my hometown of Amarillo, Tx)
What I wonder about my faith is this:
Is my faith really so strong that I (to borrow a book title) "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"?
OR
Do I just not care enough to worry about the small stuff?
And it's not just the small stuff.
There's big stuff, too. Like my Grandma's death.
Grandma died about 10 years ago. I lived in Florida at the time but (thanks to the generosity of my wonderful in-laws) was able to fly into Amarillo for the funeral and to be with my family.
Here's the deal, though:
I didn't really mourn the passing of my Grandma. Sure, I got a little misty-eyed during the funeral, but I never really sat and contemplated her death ... never pondered how it would impact my Mom and her siblings ... never wept in grief.
It is worth noting here (and if you know me really well, you know this already): I am a deep thinker, a contemplative dude ... I ponder habitually ... and I cry.
Expressing any level of grief and mourning would have been perfectly within my character, but I expressed virtually none.
Was this because I had such faith in God that He would take care of my family in this time of need? Was this because I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Grandma is heaven? Was this because I had faith that we would all get through this okay?
Or was it simply because I didn't care enough to be as impacted by the whole thing as I expected to be?
To this day, some ten years later, I have never grieved my Grandma's passing. I did weep in my sleep a few years after she died. Wept so hard, it woke me up. (And that is hard to do ... I once slept through a tornado!)
Is my faith just THAT strong? Or is my apathy just THAT big?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the Faith v. Apathy conundrum. Do you struggle with it as well?
Until next time ...
In His Care,
Tyson
Just got around to reading this...
ReplyDeleteI don't find it that odd that you never really grieved or openly wept over your grandmother's death. If you are confident that your grandmother is in Heaven, then you wouldn't be grieving or weeping due to her fate - but for the loss of her Earthly presence from your own life.
And, since people deal with such losses in different ways, I wouldn't term your lack of grieving as "apathy".
I don't know how close you were with your grandmother while she was alive.
I was about eight years old when one of my grandmothers (Dad's mother) passed away. Even though she had been sick off and on, her death was unexpected. I took that loss very hard because I was close to her - but also because I was young and it hit me that I wouldn't ever see her again throughout my Earthly life - which sounded like a really long time to an eight year old.
When my other grandmother passed away, I was in my twenties and had not been very close with her for a few years - largely due to the fact that we lived in different towns, she had been in nursing homes, mostly unable to communicate, suffering from (most likely) a form of dementia.
Being older, I had a better understanding of physical death, eternal life - and the sense of personal loss in which my grief would have been rooted. I never did openly cry or spend much time grieving the loss of my grandmother. Besides being confident of her residence in Heaven, I also saw it as her being in a much better condition by being able to put away her ailing physical body.
I spent more time grieving the loss of a cousin who was three years older than me due to cancer. He was 33 years old when he died. While also confident that he was in a better place for eternity, I grieved for MY loss. He was one of my family members that I expected to grow old with. He was a great baseball player in high school and had some success in college baseball as well - so besides being my cousin, he was also a bit of a hero to me.
I can't provide a definitive answer to the faith vs apathy question - other than to say that death is much easier to deal with when we have the faith that someone is spending their eternity in Heaven. I also don't see a lack of grieving as apathy. There are too many other factors involved to wrap it up in one single term.